Since I now live in a city that is known for it's unique cuisine, I decided it's time that I learn how to cook like the locals. For some reason I have been craving collard greens. I have never eaten collard greens before so it is odd that I would be craving something like this. Nevertheless, I looked up a few recipes and decided to try my hand at cooking greens.
You will need one bunch of collard greens, an onion, some ham hocks, salt, pepper and some sugar (salt, pepper and sugar not pictured).
Kevin wasn't so sure about this adventure into cooking. He doesn't like cooked spinach so he didn't think he would be a fan of the greens. Just you wait, m'dear...just you wait.
Put about 8 cups of water in a big pot. Add some salt. (Probably add more salt than you would be comfortable adding--trust me, you want some flavor).
Put your ham hocks in the salted water. You are going to bring these babies to a boil and cook them for about an hour and a half.
While you are bringing the ham hocks to a boil, go ahead and chop your onions. Then, add them to the boiling pot of ham hock salt water and continue boiling for the hour and a half (again, you want some flavor, baby!).
While that is cooking, go ahead and wash your greens thoroughly. I soaked mine in a sink full of water and rinsed each one before cutting. Speaking of cutting, you are going to cut out the giant middle stem of each leaf. These babies are HUGE!
Stack a big bunch of the cut leaves together.
Then, start rolling up your stack o' greens.
Like a burrito. I'm sure everyone knows how to roll something into a burrito.
Then, slice the burrito o' greens. This would be called a chiffon cut, for all the chefs out there.
Do this until you have washed, rolled, and cut all the greens.
I had just finished cutting all the greens when I heard a big monkey shriek! What's that, Monkey Peeler? You don't believe that I can successfully cook collards like a true Southerner? I'll show you!
Ding! The hour and a half is up on the ham hocks. Remove them from the bubbling liquid and shred the meat. Keep in mind that we used ham hocks. Lots of fat and not a whole lot of actual meat, so your goal is to find all the actual meaty parts and remove them from the bones. Disregard the rest (does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do with all the left over bits?).
I probably ended up with about a cup of actual ham from the two ham hocks. Make sure you chop this up really well because you are going to add this back in later.
While I was chopping up the ham, I noticed that Mr. Toucan and Jamie Hayes Devil Doll were chatting up a storm over by the microwave. Maybe the Monkey Peeler had gotten them riled up.
Then, Monkey Peeler showed up and told them he didn't know what I was thinking trying to cook something like this. Just you wait, my friends...just you wait.
Add the greens to the boiling liquid that you used to cook the ham hocks in. Prior to adding the greens, go ahead and add a good bit of pepper and throw in about a handful of sugar. You need some sweet to balance out the salt.
Like I said before, you want to cook this in a BIG pot. You are going to need the room in order to fit everything in (at the beginning, at least).
Once the greens have wilted a bit, go ahead and add the ham back into the pot and cook for another hour. The collard greens need some time to cook - very thick and very green and very leafy. Put a lid on the pot so you don't cook out all your yummy juices.
"This smells good", said Monkey Peeler. Mr. Toucan and Jamie Hayes Devil Doll also agreed, "Mmmm...maybe she's onto something". Take that, Peanut Gallery!
After an hour, you have greens! They look like spinach but with all the other yummy (a.k.a. bad for you) things we added, it's going to be delicious.
What do you think, Monkey Peeler, Mr. Toucan and Jamie Hayes Devil Doll? "Yummy, yummy! Can we get a bowl of that!?!"
Sorry guys, you are going to have to wait until tomorrow. This southern cooking thing takes some time and I'm going to let the flavors merry over night.
"Awww, MAN!", said Jamie Hayes Devil Doll. I already have my bottle of pepper sauce out and ready!
All in due time, my friends. All in due time.
Enjoy!
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